Unnecessary Warning Labels
From Chicago Tribune Challenge #121 Published February 13, 2005
Warning: Read This With Your Eyes Open
Readers came up with ridiculously silly and unnecessary warning labels:
Top three entries
First place:Bags of ice cubes: Do not sterilize in boiling water.
Blindfolds: Do not operate a motor vehicle while using this product.
Earplugs: May cause temporary hearing loss.
Second place:McDonald's Happy Meal: Warning, this is not a mood-enhancing food.
Third place:Subconscious: Enter at great personal risk.
Others:
Notice: If parachute is defective, return to place of purchase.
Caution: Gangplank is slippery when wet.
Toilet paper: Unwrap roll before using.
Refrigerator: Keep in upright position for best results.
Elephant: Do not follow too closely.
Sleeping pills: May cause drowsiness.
Milk: Contains dairy product.
Jeans: To prevent falls, insert only one leg at a time.
Pencil: Never use as food source, dental-care device, belly-button lint remover or ear-care implement. Remember to dull pencil leads slightly before shooting them into office ceiling tiles, and of course, never run with same--you could put an eye out!
All dinner and salad forks should contain the following warning: This utensil should not be used to remove foreign objects from your eye.
Remove head from under car tires before taking out jack stand.
Place steel ladder in dry spot and put shoes on bare feet before use of power tools.
Do not lick skillet before removing it from stove.
A serious injury could occur should you attempt to exit plane before it lands.
Life preserver warning: Keep product dry at all times, as material is not colorfast.
Marshmallows: Choking hazard if 12 or more are eaten at one time.
Watching "Maury" or "Jerry Springer" may cause unplanned pregnancy with questionable paternity, and brain damage for those viewers actually possessing a brain.
Gasoline marquee: Warning, blink and the price increases
Mirror: Turn clear glass side toward you and look at reflection. Not returnable for ugly images!Hammer: Lift with dominant hand and strike downward. Be sure to miss fingers of other hand when holding an object.
Toilet paper: Rarely will the paper tear on the perforations. Works satisfactorily using random scraps.
Binoculars: Warning: Objects may be farther away than they appear.
Reality TV show: Warning, the events and people portrayed are not real.
Crack in sidewalk: Warning, stepping on this crack may result in maternal dorsal injury.
On bananas and oranges: Remove peel before eating.
On hats: Warning! May cause flattening of hair.
Warning on iron: Caution, do not iron clothes while on body.
Toilet brush: Caution, not to be used for personal hygiene.
Drano: Do not use to dislodge items clogging throat, use Heimlich maneuver instead.
On a coffin: For use by deceased individuals only.
Contact lenses: Before insertion, read all directions carefully.
On a soda can: For oral use only.
On contact lens box: Eyes must be open to insert.
Chewing gum: Warning, may experience difficulty walking while chewing.
Lawn mower warning: Not intended for indoor use.
Egg: Warning, remove from shell before eating.
Automobile warnings:When riding in the trunk with the lid closed, sitting up quickly may cause head injuries.
Driving under 40 m.p.h. on the tollway may cause vehicular damage as other motorists throw things at your car.
Do not attempt to adjust the mirrors to make objects appear the correct size.
Doorknob: Do not hang clothes here.
Los Angeles Air Warning: If you can read this label, do not attempt to breathe!
Chainsaw: Do not check sharpness of blade with finger while saw is running.
McDonald's coffee: Warning, as contents may be very hot, we will be forced to eliminate anyone who purposefully spills coffee on themselves with the intention of suing us.
Boat anchor: Warning, in the event of a maritime disaster, not to be used as a flotation device.
This one covers everything: Warning, when using this item, just don't be a complete idiot.
False teeth: Warning, remove dentures from your mouth before you soak 'em.
Garage-door installation: Warning, make sure garage door is in "up" position before parking car.
Caution: Remove gas tank lid before attempting a fill-up.
Bread: Best used when not encased in mold.
Chainsaw: Do not use as yard weeder or for trimming sideburns and nose hairs.
Second notice: Nonpayment may incur the debt penalty.
Motor home windshield, driver's side: Do not leave your seat while driving!
On a bag of microwave popcorn: For best results, pop corn before consuming.
Caution: Please do not use your finger or tongue in testing the readiness of your steam iron. This may cause a serious burn!
Caution: Please remove hand or fingers before closing top on the waffle iron. Non-removal may cause waffles to brown improperly.
Viagra: Warning, may cause swelling.
Warning: Read This With Your Eyes Open
Readers came up with ridiculously silly and unnecessary warning labels:
Top three entries
First place:Bags of ice cubes: Do not sterilize in boiling water.
Blindfolds: Do not operate a motor vehicle while using this product.
Earplugs: May cause temporary hearing loss.
Second place:McDonald's Happy Meal: Warning, this is not a mood-enhancing food.
Third place:Subconscious: Enter at great personal risk.
Others:
Notice: If parachute is defective, return to place of purchase.
Caution: Gangplank is slippery when wet.
Toilet paper: Unwrap roll before using.
Refrigerator: Keep in upright position for best results.
Elephant: Do not follow too closely.
Sleeping pills: May cause drowsiness.
Milk: Contains dairy product.
Jeans: To prevent falls, insert only one leg at a time.
Pencil: Never use as food source, dental-care device, belly-button lint remover or ear-care implement. Remember to dull pencil leads slightly before shooting them into office ceiling tiles, and of course, never run with same--you could put an eye out!
All dinner and salad forks should contain the following warning: This utensil should not be used to remove foreign objects from your eye.
Remove head from under car tires before taking out jack stand.
Place steel ladder in dry spot and put shoes on bare feet before use of power tools.
Do not lick skillet before removing it from stove.
A serious injury could occur should you attempt to exit plane before it lands.
Life preserver warning: Keep product dry at all times, as material is not colorfast.
Marshmallows: Choking hazard if 12 or more are eaten at one time.
Watching "Maury" or "Jerry Springer" may cause unplanned pregnancy with questionable paternity, and brain damage for those viewers actually possessing a brain.
Gasoline marquee: Warning, blink and the price increases
Mirror: Turn clear glass side toward you and look at reflection. Not returnable for ugly images!Hammer: Lift with dominant hand and strike downward. Be sure to miss fingers of other hand when holding an object.
Toilet paper: Rarely will the paper tear on the perforations. Works satisfactorily using random scraps.
Binoculars: Warning: Objects may be farther away than they appear.
Reality TV show: Warning, the events and people portrayed are not real.
Crack in sidewalk: Warning, stepping on this crack may result in maternal dorsal injury.
On bananas and oranges: Remove peel before eating.
On hats: Warning! May cause flattening of hair.
Warning on iron: Caution, do not iron clothes while on body.
Toilet brush: Caution, not to be used for personal hygiene.
Drano: Do not use to dislodge items clogging throat, use Heimlich maneuver instead.
On a coffin: For use by deceased individuals only.
Contact lenses: Before insertion, read all directions carefully.
On a soda can: For oral use only.
On contact lens box: Eyes must be open to insert.
Chewing gum: Warning, may experience difficulty walking while chewing.
Lawn mower warning: Not intended for indoor use.
Egg: Warning, remove from shell before eating.
Automobile warnings:When riding in the trunk with the lid closed, sitting up quickly may cause head injuries.
Driving under 40 m.p.h. on the tollway may cause vehicular damage as other motorists throw things at your car.
Do not attempt to adjust the mirrors to make objects appear the correct size.
Doorknob: Do not hang clothes here.
Los Angeles Air Warning: If you can read this label, do not attempt to breathe!
Chainsaw: Do not check sharpness of blade with finger while saw is running.
McDonald's coffee: Warning, as contents may be very hot, we will be forced to eliminate anyone who purposefully spills coffee on themselves with the intention of suing us.
Boat anchor: Warning, in the event of a maritime disaster, not to be used as a flotation device.
This one covers everything: Warning, when using this item, just don't be a complete idiot.
False teeth: Warning, remove dentures from your mouth before you soak 'em.
Garage-door installation: Warning, make sure garage door is in "up" position before parking car.
Caution: Remove gas tank lid before attempting a fill-up.
Bread: Best used when not encased in mold.
Chainsaw: Do not use as yard weeder or for trimming sideburns and nose hairs.
Second notice: Nonpayment may incur the debt penalty.
Motor home windshield, driver's side: Do not leave your seat while driving!
On a bag of microwave popcorn: For best results, pop corn before consuming.
Caution: Please do not use your finger or tongue in testing the readiness of your steam iron. This may cause a serious burn!
Caution: Please remove hand or fingers before closing top on the waffle iron. Non-removal may cause waffles to brown improperly.
Viagra: Warning, may cause swelling.
posted by MaximumBob | 7:00 PM
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